My 10 year old is what I consider to be a difficult child. She is very melodramatic, and a bit self-centered. She is a classic middle child, with a strong sense of dominion; she has to separate herself from the herd. She is independent, rebellious, and very outgoing. She doesn't even look like our other 4 children, a sassy brunette who tans while the rest of us cream cheese blondes burn, (she inherited the Native American genes that runs on both sides of our family).
The trouble with parenting a strong willed child is that standard forms of discipline don't work. Spanking may work when that child is a toddler, but not when they are elementary age. Time out may work at first, but eventually she or he will figure out how to manipulate the situation. Strong arming the child is a contest that the parent rarely wins. You may think you win because the child did what you wanted, but if the situation had to escalate to you creaming and door slamming, then the child won. This is something we are still learning, even though our 10 year old is our second difficult child, our 19 year old son was difficult as well. The following is a quick list of lessons I have learned from my oldest and am continuing to learn from my 10 year old daughter. I wish someone would have told me these truths years ago, though I probably would not have listened, My kids come by the stubbornness honestly.
1, You will never completely figure out your difficult child, because then that child wouldn’t be difficult.
2. Discipline isn’t about beating them into submission but rather figuring out what matters to them and using that. I know it sounds very “Italian mafia”. You don’t have to stomp there hamster, I’m talking about simple removal of things they love that are not necessity. You owe your kids food, shelter and education, all the rest is bonus.
3. Your child is not your buddy. It is okay if your kid doesn’t like you, infect sometimes it is required.
4, You are smarter than a 10 year old, it is stamina that you lack. Staying ahead of their game is the only way to when this marathon.
5. Anyone can have a strong willed child, but not everyone can turn them into a functioning member of society. Difficult kids have a much higher risk of drug use, promiscuity, and committing crime. Remember that on the days you want to stop parenting.
6. Keep hugging your child and giving them positive feedback for the things they do well, even on the days when all you want to do is give them to an orphanage.
7. Keep them busy in things that interest them. If they don’t have interests find them. Everyone has talents. Your child needs to focus some of that energy,
8. Be present, it is hard for a child to be a trouble maker if mom and dad are always in that kid’s business.
9. Your child wants to get your goat, so don’t lose your temper, don’t engage your child’s negative attitude. You want to feel good about how you handled the situation.
10. A good measure for how you are doing as a parent is how your child behaves for other people. If your child is a monster for you, but good in the neighborhood and at least somewhat behaved at school, then you are doing okay. If your child is difficult for all authority, then it is time to seek help, (I had a neighbor, who was a behavioral therapist, tell me that many years ago.)
I think I have rambled on enough today. I hope that this post gives whomever reads it some encouragement. Just as a side not, my 19 year old son is in special ops in the Air Force, so all the effort his father and I put into parenting him paid off.
